The Heterosexual Questionnaire

To my heterosexual friends: Please overlook the somewhat arch tone of these questions. I would like it very much if you would try to give honest, thoughtful answers to these questions.

Thank you very much!

The Heterosexual Questionnaire

  1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?
  2. When and how did you decide you were a heterosexual?
  3. Is it possible that your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?
  4. Is it possible that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?
  5. If you have never slept with a person of the same sex, is it possible that all you need is a good Gay lover?
  6. Do your parents know that you are straight? Do your friends and/or roommate(s) know? How did they react?
  7. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can’t you just be who you are and keep it quiet?
  8. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?
  9. Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to seduce others into their lifestyle?
  10. A disproportionate number of child molestors are heterosexual. Do you consider it safe to expose children to heterosexual teachers?
  11. Just what do men and women do in bed together? How can they truly know how to please each other, being so anatomically different?
  12. With all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?
  13. Studies show that lesbians have the lowest incidence of sexually transmitted diseases. Is it really safe for a woman to maintain a heterosexual lifestyle and run the risk of disease and pregnancy?
  14. How can you become a whole person if you limit yourself to compulsive, exclusive heterosexuality?
  15. Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual?
  16. Could you trust a heterosexual therapist to be objective? Don’t you feel s/he might be inclined to influence you in the direction of her/his own leanings?
  17. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to. Have you considered trying aversion therapy?
  18. Would you want your child to be heterosexual, knowing the problems that s/he might face?
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15 Comments

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15 responses to “The Heterosexual Questionnaire

  1. rancourt

    # What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

    – Parental emulation, and Miss April, 1982.

    # When and how did you decide you were a heterosexual?

    – I haven’t, really. I just enjoy sex with women. I haven’t really ‘decided’ anything. I’ve had perfectly enjoyable relationships with men, too.

    # Is it possible that your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?

    – Could be. I try not to limit myself to pidgeonholes; as I’ve said, “heterosexual” to me reflects a demographic leaning, not a rule. Rules are stupid.

    # Is it possible that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the opposite sex?

    – No. It stems from a sexual obsession with them, I think.

    # If you have never slept with a person of the same sex, is it possible that all you need is a good Gay lover?

    – Had one. He was awesome. We parted ways though, moved to different cities. Would I sleep with him again? Possibly.

    # Do your parents know that you are straight? Do your friends and/or roommate(s) know? How did they react?

    – I think they’re figured it out. I don’t tend to discuss where I put my dick with people who don’t, in some way, participate in the dick-sticking ritual.

    # Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can’t you just be who you are and keep it quiet?

    – You asked. Usually, I do!

    # Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?

    – Because it’s fun! Try it. You’ll like it.

    # Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to seduce others into their lifestyle?

    – It gets pretty incestuous without new blood.

    # A disproportionate number of child molestors are heterosexual. Do you consider it safe to expose children to heterosexual teachers?

    – I’d sooner see the fundamentalists out of the classroom than the heterosexuals, if I have to be categorically ignorant and bigoted and denounce a category for ills of individuals.

    # Just what do men and women do in bed together? How can they truly know how to please each other, being so anatomically different?

    – Most don’t. We fumble blindly. For the record, my boyfriend took ages to learn how to give head with any panache, too.

    # With all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?

    – Sturgeon’s Law.

    # Studies show that lesbians have the lowest incidence of sexually transmitted diseases. Is it really safe for a woman to maintain a heterosexual lifestyle and run the risk of disease and pregnancy?

    – No, it isn’t. But it isn’t safe to leave one’s home, either. You take your lives in your hands just by drinking diet soda. What’s a little hot heterosexual lovin’ in comparison?

    Besides, without it, we wouldn’t be here.

    # How can you become a whole person if you limit yourself to compulsive, exclusive heterosexuality?

    – I don’t know. I personally advocate learning by experience. You got me there.

    # Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual?

    – Yes. Arms still reach. Porn is plentiful. Birth control is fairly reliable.

    # Could you trust a heterosexual therapist to be objective? Don’t you feel s/he might be inclined to influence you in the direction of her/his own leanings?

    – No, I don’t trust therapists, period.

    # There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to. Have you considered trying aversion therapy?

    – I tried, but the power of p00n compelled me, Damian Karras-style.

    # Would you want your child to be heterosexual, knowing the problems that s/he might face?

    – That’s up to them. I mostly just want my kids to be happy.

  2. sylvar

    # Is it possible that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the opposite sex?

    – No. It stems from a sexual obsession with them, I think.

    Oops, that was a mistake. It should have read: “Is it possible that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?”

  3. magnoliafly

    1 What do you think caused your heterosexuality?
    I’m sure a combination of my environment and natural tendencies. I’ve always maintained an interest in women; even still though some may consider me exclusively hetero since I haven’t ever had a chance to play on anything else otherwise.

    2 When and how did you decide you were a heterosexual?
    Toughie. I’m not really sure, growing up in a religious household you aren’t given much choice. My parents always said if I brought home a guy of a different race they would accept him but never told me anything about the possibility of bringing home a girl. It wasn’t acceptible. I was taken to my first gay/lesbian protest at the age of four.

    3 Is it possible that your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of? No, I really love cock.

    4 Is it possible that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?
    Hehe no, not when I’m always wanting to experience things with girls anyway.

    5 If you have never slept with a person of the same sex, is it possible that all you need is a good Gay lover?
    Quite.

    6 Do your parents know that you are straight? Do your friends and/or roommate(s) know? How did they react?
    yes. Yes. My parents were only concerned when I was unmarried and sleeping with men.

    7 Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can’t you just be who you are and keep it quiet?
    I don’t really think I’ve ever “flaunted” it per-se.

    8 Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?
    What type of emphasis? All types are placed on it from all kinds of people. Growing up it was emphasized that sex was wrong until I was married, while engaged it was emphasized that I shouldn’t get pregnant, and now that I’m married its been implied that I’m expected to bear a grandchild. While all deal with sex they’re all different types of emphasis. Somehow we’re expected to instantly change our views on when sex is good and when sex is bad.

    9 Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to seduce others into their lifestyle?
    I’ve never “seduced” anyone into my lifestyle, you either click with a person or you don’t.

    10 A disproportionate number of child molestors are heterosexual. Do you consider it safe to expose children to heterosexual teachers?
    Minorities make up a disporportionate number of criminals, is it safe to expose children to minorities in any setting?

    11 Just what do men and women do in bed together? How can they truly know how to please each other, being so anatomically different?
    Practice I suppose. Some men like certain things more than others, this (in my experience) is usually discussed in flirtation before any sex actually happens. Then when you have sex you’re either good or you’re not.

    12 With all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?
    People try to force things to work when they know they probably won’t. They do what they are expected to do rather than thinking for themselves and doing what they know they SHOULD do.

    13 Studies show that lesbians have the lowest incidence…
    Honestly, I would have to say that no its not. The thought of being single again still scares the shit out of me with all of those possibilities.

    14 How can you become a whole person….
    In the ideal world I wouldn’t, but I’m married so… I gotta get permission :p

    15 Considering the menace of overpopulation…
    Natural selection always finds a way. And we may not survive at all should it decide we aren’t needed.

    16 Could you trust a heterosexual therapist….
    Just because someone is heterosexual doesn’t mean they can be open to other lifestyles.

    17 There seem to be very few happy….?
    The want to “change” is already there, it wouldn’t be necessary.

    18 Would you want your child….
    They would have problems either way. But that choice is theirs, not mine to make.

    (had to cut down the questions to get my whole answer in)

  4. loucheroo

    # What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

    I think people are born in various places on a sliding scale. we fall where we fall *shrug*

    # When and how did you decide you were a heterosexual?

    Hmm I don’t think I ever actually DECIDED so much as I really like doing things to boy bits and having boy bits do things to me

    # Is it possible that your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?

    I suppose it’s possible

    # Is it possible that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?

    *snort* Ummm no… take a look at my dreams/fantasy life sometime

    # If you have never slept with a person of the same sex, is it possible that all you need is a good Gay lover?

    Sure, it’s possible

    # Do your parents know that you are straight? Do your friends and/or roommate(s) know? How did they react?

    Aside from wanting me to abstain til marriage, they figure whatever makes me happy is a-ok

    # Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can’t you just be who you are and keep it quiet?

    I don’t flaunt my heteroseuxality per se, i just flaunt sexuality in general. Sex is good — no one should have to keep it quiet.

    # Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?

    Sex is good be it hetero or otherwise.

    # Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to seduce others into their lifestyle?

    I have no clue. I’ve never done that

    # A disproportionate number of child molestors are heterosexual. Do you consider it safe to expose children to heterosexual teachers?

    IS it disproportionate? hmmm…. it’s stupid to assume someone of one sexuality or another will molest your child because of that

    # Just what do men and women do in bed together? How can they truly know how to please each other, being so anatomically different?

    I’m not detailing that, but in some ways it’s BECAUSE of the anatomical differences. Fascination with something diff than what you have. As for truly knowing how to please, how does anyone know? it’s trial and error and being guided by your lover. Trust me, my partner and i both do quite alright in that area

    # With all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?

    modern life. nothing permanent anymore. sucks, doesnt it? :P

    # Studies show that lesbians have the lowest incidence of sexually transmitted diseases. Is it really safe for a woman to maintain a heterosexual lifestyle and run the risk of disease and pregnancy?

    yes, because it’s not a choice it’s who you are. just be safe as possible.

    # How can you become a whole person if you limit yourself to compulsive, exclusive heterosexuality?

    I wouldn’t say i do… well, i suppose i have to this point but more by circumstance than anything else

    # Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual?

    birth control, natural selection

    # Could you trust a heterosexual therapist to be objective? Don’t you feel s/he might be inclined to influence you in the direction of her/his own leanings?

    Hmm… well, I’ve had two therapists who were AMAZING. one was gay one was straight. Both women were fabulous and didn’t try to impose anything on me with regards to sexuality

    # There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to. Have you considered trying aversion therapy?

    *snort*

    # Would you want your child to be heterosexual, knowing the problems that s/he might face?

    I want my child to be happy, regardless of what that means sexuality-wise

  5. cardinalximinez

    1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

    You, Ben, you!!!! *sobs uncontrollably*

  6. sylvar

    Man, you should have seen Jodi’s eyes light up when I told her you answered the questionnaire. I guess she was expecting that you’d answer honestly. ;)

  7. cardinalximinez

    ROFL. Poor Jodi.

  8. sylvar

    Aw, don’t be mean… you’ll make her cry… :p

    Nah, if you don’t feel like answering the questions, I guess you don’t have to. She just figured you’d have some intelligent things to say on the subject of sex.

  9. cardinalximinez

    Sorry. I wasn’t trying to be mean. I was trying to be funny. If my humor is so bad that it makes her cry, well, so much for my humor. ;)

    She just figured you’d have some intelligent things to say on the subject of sex.

    What, beyond, “Boobies. Gooood!”?

    Yeah, I probably do, but that quiz really isn’t the way I’d want to go about it.

    As a statement, it makes a powerful point. As a serious quiz expecting serious answers, I find it disgusting. Just as disgusting as I’d find it from the homosexual perspective….

  10. meander112

    Here, here!

  11. meander112

    Here, here in reference to: “As a statement, it makes a powerful point. As a serious quiz expecting serious answers, I find it disgusting. Just as disgusting as I’d find it from the homosexual perspective….”

  12. poppinjaye

    I remember seeing the gay form of this a long time ago, though I don’t remember where it originated.

  13. poppinjaye

    1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

    Just wired that way, sadly. I can’t even be properly bi :(

    2. When and how did you decide you were a heterosexual?

    Hmm. Well, initially my fantasies (like, age 5 or 6) were about being experimented upon by aliens (think Escape/Return to Witch Mountain). Then kidnappers, and everyone knows that all kidnappers are men.

    3. Is it possible that your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?

    Anything’s possible, though I’ve TRIED to get into the whole women thing. It can work in fantasies, but hasn’t panned out in RL.

    4. Is it possible that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?

    Well, yeah. Vaginas are SCARY! LOL

    5. If you have never slept with a person of the same sex, is it possible that all you need is a good Gay lover?

    Sure!

    6. Do your parents know that you are straight? Do your friends and/or roommate(s) know? How did they react?

    Yes. Usually they joke about my choice in men, but that’s stopped since I got married…

    7. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can’t you just be who you are and keep it quiet?

    Actually, I’ve pretended to be gay just to fit in before. If I flaunt anything, it’s sexuality in general.

    8. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?

    It beats cleaning the house.

    9. Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to seduce others into their lifestyle?

    Hmm. I’ve never tried to seduce a gay man, but I have successfully seduced several virgins (who might be gay now, no idea, haven’t done any follow-up studies.) The challenge is fun!

    10. A disproportionate number of child molestors are heterosexual. Do you consider it safe to expose children to heterosexual teachers?

    A disproportionate number of child molestors are men. That is why praying mantises have the right idea.

    11. Just what do men and women do in bed together? How can they truly know how to please each other, being so anatomically different?

    It’s a bit like Twister mixed with Marco Polo, and a fair helping of Sorry!

    12. With all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?

    Because there are so few stable people, period. Also because people change, and many marry before they figure themselves out.

    13. Studies show that lesbians have the lowest incidence of sexually transmitted diseases. Is it really safe for a woman to maintain a heterosexual lifestyle and run the risk of disease and pregnancy?

    Nope.

    14. How can you become a whole person if you limit yourself to compulsive, exclusive heterosexuality?

    Read a lot of slash fiction?

    15. Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual?

    It couldn’t. Good thing we’re not!

    16. Could you trust a heterosexual therapist to be objective? Don’t you feel s/he might be inclined to influence you in the direction of her/his own leanings?

    I shoudn’t be able to discern the sexual leanings of my therapist. That’s not what I pay her for!

    17. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to. Have you considered trying aversion therapy?

    No, I prefer drugs.

    18. Would you want your child to be heterosexual, knowing the problems that s/he might face?

    I’d just like for him/her to be healthy. I’d rather have him/her be straight than tone deaf, though. Straight doesn’t stand out in a choir.

  14. sylvar

    LOL, you win the internets AND at life.

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